solarangel's brain spew

The thoughts and feelings from someone living with long term depression


I cant explain how lonely I feel right now. how i wish i was with my ex, who is also my best friend. how the sinking feeling and eye watering make it even worse. i’ve tried to move on, go on dates ect. but no one comes close to the person he is. thats the reason hes my best friend. but i backed off when he told me he had a girlfriend, i didnt want to get in the way. but in the back of my mind hes still mine, and no mater how much i want her gone, if hes happy, i will treat her like a friend.

i want to find someone tho, but how do i tell them about my depression, the years 5 or six of them, that my life was barely livable. the shell of a person that i was. barely operating. not even knowing why i was alive. and tho its better now, im making progress. it will always be there in the back ground, like a volcano ready to erupt at any time, at the slightest unimportant thing that will send me over the edge.

thats not something i want to tell someone im dating or considering to take things further. if i get attached to them and they dont know, it will all fall apart. i will fall apart. but is it the risk worth it or should i stay lonely and just deal with the low. its better than a crash right?

i think i’ll go curl up in bed for an hour, maybe some happy dream will make me feel better.


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This entry was posted on March 15, 2013 by and tagged , , , , .
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