The thoughts and feelings from someone living with long term depression
While I’ve been depressed the world has moved on without me. I’ve been struggling with this since 2007, and to see friends and family graduate, move out, get married, get good jobs, even go on holiday. I haven’t been able to do any of that. I’ve been left behind. Stuck in the past. It alienates me, and puts me outside of the group, the norm.
People ask “what do you do?” (as in job/study) can I say I don’t? “I’m in between things” or “I’m taking some time out” so then they say “what did you do?” well that one I can answer “I was at uni” and then it moves on to “what did you study?” well there’s another one I can answer. I’m so glad they never ask when or if I graduated, I know they assume I have. I don’t want to lie to everyone I meet, but at the same time I don’t want them to judge me for not doing anything, for ‘sponging of society’ or for being a mental case. If I say it’s because I’ve been depressed, will they say ‘everyone gets depressed’ and ‘pull your socks up’ what does that even mean anyway??? It means just get on with it and don’t complain. It means keep it to yourself. The bloody ‘stiff upper lip’, it’s not only the British who have it, just because they can’t see your pain (like a cut or a broken leg) doesn’t mean it’s any less real. If you can understand heartache/broken heart, why is this any different?
But I’m not broken and I don’t need fixing. What I need is understanding. Yes I get low and say some horrible stuff about not wanting to be here anymore. But it’s not to upset YOU (to whoever see’s it or hears it) it just my way of saying I need a bit of help. All I want is to talk with anyone about anything, it really makes things better.
So don’t shun me because I’m different, don’t overreact because I say something negative. Just sit down with me and have a cup of tea and have a chat, maybe even a laugh. Because life’s short and we can’t run away forever form things we don’t like.