solarangel's brain spew

The thoughts and feelings from someone living with long term depression

I don’t know how to feel happy.

So its my birthday soon, and all that that does is remind me of how many years I’ve been mentally ill. About 6 years 5 months. 6YEARS! All the things I could have done. All the things I want to do. All wasted. Lost. I wanted to get my degree. I wanted a job. I wanted a husband and children. I still do, but now I’m that much older. God help me get though this pain. Why have you made me so ill? Depression, anxiety, pcos, migraines, allergy, flat feet, poor eyesight. Also adhd and dyslxic.(not just spelling, complete interaction problems.)  So why am I so fucked up?
And I just can’t seem to feel happy. What is normal for people? Taking 8 different types off tablets every day? Am I always going to be medicated? At this rate I’m gonna die an old maid, alone and on pills. The only relationships I will have will be doctor-patient ones. And I will live a sad and lonely life in a 1bed flat, with my computer.
And I can’t tell anyone these things!!! They will either think,
1. I’m being stupid.
2. They will start to go all weird about my saying negative stuff, and tell me not to say it.
3. They’ll get all scared and promise to see me more and help me.(they never do tho)
Or 4. Don’t care in the first place.
(they just what they can get from you).
So I have story I make up in my head. Things I would like, things I won’t. Magical or mundane. Crazy ideas. I make up a lot about being with my lover, getting married, having kids, house, bills and jobs. But there never a face, just a shadow who never has the same name.
I want a simple life, just life, with me and my family.

I want my life to start!!!


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This entry was posted on April 25, 2013 by .
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